Deadra

It’s not yet 4:30 and already the sun has sunk behind the western hills.  The pinkish gray twilight won’t last much longer.

I’ve just returned from filling the bird feeder.  I was reluctant to come in, so I lingered in the yard listening to a chickadee scolding me for letting the seed level get so low.  It was also an opportunity to bask in the day’s few remaining moments of sunshine.  They are precious in this dark and cloudy December.

Winter solstice – the longest night of the year – is upon us. Keep reading

Several mid-November snowfalls, just heavy enough to leave a thin layer of white on the ground, caught me off guard.  I hadn’t even begun to make the normal winter preparations.  Up until a week earlier I’d been clinging to the notion that it was still the height of fall. But getting caught in a snowstorm as my husband and I were trying to fly home from Chicago on Thanksgiving weekend finally disrupted my fantasy. 

The day after we returned from our Thanksgiving travels I found myself having to shift gears again.  Advent, the Christian season of ritualized waiting and preparation to welcome the coming of the divine Light at Christmas, had begun.  Advent is my favorite liturgical season. But this year it, too, caught me off guard.Keep reading

Spring equinox – the time when the hours of daylight and darkness are equal – arrived just a couple of weeks ago.  It should be a time of balance. Yet I feel decidedly unbalanced, like I’m living in a Picasso painting.  Everything seems stretched and elongated, nothing is where you expect it to be, things that belong above are below and vice versa.  “Surreal” is the best description I can come up with.
Our government continues to unravel at an astonishing pace, and for no good reason..
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We’ve begun the fifth week filled with chaos, confusion, and fear, and I’m at a loss for words.  Until now my primary coping strategy has been to try to understand the “why” behind what’s happening and then explain it in a rational way.  But these days that’s not working.

So, I’ve had to create a new daily rhythm and routine.  To help me stay grounded I find that I need to include these basic practices every day..Keep reading

I’ve just had one of those difficult nights. 

It’s the kind where I keep waking up, tossing and turning.  I try to relax, but the harder I try, the harder it is to fall asleep again. 

Lingering items on the “to-do list” spring to life and wander the murky terrain of my mind.  Regrets emerge from the shadows like Jacob Marley dragging his chains.   All the while I’m well aware that most of the things plaguing me at that hour are completely ridiculous and wouldn’t hold up in the light of day.  And before I know it I’m caught in a spiral of self-judgment as my inner critic scolds me for worrying about these things at the timeKeep reading

Lately I’m finding myself stuck in the future.

The results of the election threw me for a loop.  In the weeks since we learned the results, I’ve chased every imaginable dire scenario down its respective rabbit hole.  I’ve fretted and worried and worked up a lather of panic.

“What if…” I keep wondering.  And in my head, I start time-traveling to 2025 and beyond – a very murky, cloudy place at best.  Before I know it, I’m held hostage by my imagination as I dream up all of the ways that our country is going to collapse and take the rest of the world with it.   

Sadly, my anxious little brainKeep reading

These days I’ve been on edge more than normal.  There are a number of factors that could be contributing to my anxiety. But I’m sure that first on the list is the election that’s only days away.

Not so long ago I became angry and frustrated after spending too much time in my political echo chamber of choice. My initial response was to rage around the house muttering and sputtering.  Realizing that I needed a more constructive outlet, I stomped out to the mud room, put on my boots and jacket and charged down the hill for a three-and-a-half-mile walk.

And then something shifted. I began to notice Keep reading

As I sit down to write this, it’s late afternoon.  But the sky is darkening as if night is falling.  A storm is brewing.  Nothing is stirring.  It’s the literal calm before the storm.  
The scene outside my window mirrors the churning in my soul whenever I try to make sense of the news these days. 

In order to cope with the endless stream of unsettling events, I find myself seeking out inspirational and comforting words.  And earlier this week I stumbled on just the thing…Keep reading

Several years ago, we had the barn that was attached to the north end of our house torn down and replaced by a more usable structure.  For the entire summer there was a trench along the east side of our house, rimmed by a mound of dirt.

After the first serious rain the newly dug trench and ridges were dotted with chunks of pottery that had been cast aside by former owners of our house.  And not just pottery, but glass shards, handwrought ironware, and even a few animal bones found their way to the top of the dirt after decades of lying undisturbed below. 

Recently I’ve been feeling like I’m back in the trench discovering bits and pieces of lives lived decades ago.  But my current trench can’t be found around the foundation of the house.  Rather, it’s inside my head and heart.
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